I think many of us start to learn to love ourselves after a breakup. For those who aren’t ready to fall into another relationship off the bat, we take the alternative route and get to learn to enjoy our own company and during the process miraculous sides of our true-self arise.
I think, for most, self love becomes a natural process after a daunting break up or any situation in which your forced to leave a comfortable situation and have no choice but to fend on your own.
For me, I did not wake up one day and decide I am going to really start loving myself, I actually didn’t even know I was low on self love.
Stage 1: I Am Not Enough
I blended with a partner that no longer supported or elevated my spiritual growth and by staying with him, and unaware to me, I was not loving myself. I unconsciously picked up horrible thought patterns that were suppressing my growth and confidence.
These thoughts made me very very bitter and low on energy. I constantly picked on myself, compared myself to other girls, judged others, and seeked validation. This was not always influenced by my partner, the stagnation of the relationship and my limited growth bored me and made me feel very unhappy with myself. I never felt I was enough for him or just enough to even start fulfilling ventures I always desired.
Finally, when the 7 year journey came to an end , I knew I had to come to terms with it and my world shifted from dependence to independence in a matter of hours. A big part of my life was suddenly gone.
When the isolation kicked in I had three choices to cope with it:
1) Drink and party the pain away until it’s super numbing and become oblivious to the fact you now have 2 problems- lonely and now a binge drinker.
2) Go and repeat the need to to find someone to fill the void of loneliness
3) Face it head on.
My relationships with my friends were just getting renewed so I didn’t’ want to intrude on being with a friend(s) 24/7 and start a dependency cycle. I did party, but when you drink to the point of numbness it just adds more toxicity onto whatever real problems you have. So when I realized that partying was only adding to my problems, I had to stop real quick and the only thing left for me to do was to simply be alone with a journal. Become my own therapist.
Stage 2: I’ve Had Enough
Part of me did not ant to go back because I knew it would be the same toxic cycle, but another part of me decided to just let it go and see what happens. I was already bored with my life, and I really wanted a change, and going back would just cause stagnation. I knew the only way it could happen was to do things differently.
This meant had to think differently than I currently was behaving, because even after the break up I was attracting the kind of men who drained my energy. So I had to stop and do a big audit on behavior. The isolation led me to think and reflect about all my emotions and habits and evaluate my past thoughts and behavior I considered as completely normal.
Yes, I wrote about the typical sadness in my journal that comes along with a break up but though that I found something called discipline. The discipline and the self restraint that came about when I felt the need to write out whatever suppressed feelings everyday, the discipline to not reach out to my ex and the discipline to control my emotions by not allowing sadness be the only emotion to control my life.
This moment of my life was of insight and clarity. Something I promise you I had not had in the longest time. I felt like I could see clearly and was time when life-changing decisions were made.
And that right there was the beginning of a realization that I have POWER. Power over my emotions, the power to stay disciplined and the power to accept a challenge I never thought I could face on.
I was able to control my emotions and obsessive thoughts when it came to him and move forward orchestrating my life.
With that power, came an enlightenment that I literally can make the choice to move forward and not be stuck in the same weak cycle. This meant a lot to me because I always felt like some kind of doormat, because I ALWAYS said “ YES” to anyone or anything so i can feel a sense of validation .
That little significant moment of discipline helped me understand my egoistic mind, and I started listening to what my soul badly wanted ( peace) and that made me feel like a huge boss.
Many of you might not understand, but when you are used to being weak and willing to jump for a person, you actually have no sense of dignity. But the action I took to happily and confidently accept that I don’t need to be sad or with anyone gave me power to realize I can be dignified again. I learned more about my ego here than ever before.
My ego was scared of being alone, but my soul said try it out and see what happens.
I took the true initiative to do things that i always wanted to do, and stayed genuinely busy, alone.
Not only was I able to dictate my life again, on my own terms, but I felt so dignified doing it, because there was genuine happiness that came along with it.
Stage 3: I AM Enough
I started to feel like i was running all these green lights and as not stopping. I had a new way of thinking and no longer wanted to give my power away to anyone,anything or any negative emotion.
That small revolution for me created a big ripple effect this past year.
From that little positive spark came a huge wave of positive behavior. And all these acts of empowerment really had a huge effect on me . I literally strived to be the best I could because It was something I had not done in a really freaking long time.
I wanted to eat the best I could, dress better and more proper than before, enhance my vocabulary, and learn soo so much. My behavior changed so much when I became conscious of all my thoughts, behavior, mannerism. Just that little realization in me having power gave me so much confidence in life that I transmuted it over to everything I do now from business to building friendships.
I am not talking about having power OVER people, I am talking about having the conscious power to make healthy rational decisions. The way I treated MYSELF for the past 6 years in the relationship was not healthy. There are things we both did that had to end a long time ago, but the cycle never ended and I never wanted to accept the fear of loneliness , and I never realized this was a form of not loving myself.
But fast forward to now, I am the happiest person I have ever been because I have learned to accept myself fully and I most importantly, VALUE myself.
The people that I have in my life NOW are seriously some of the most beautiful people and relationships i have ever had. I have attracted situations and people that light up my soul and heart tremendously and everyday I give thanks for these people in my life. My life has changed dramatically for the best, and them being in my life reminds me that I am doing better , for they are all a reflection of me. If I now meet a person who I feel brings me down, I simply choose to respect them and keep my distance and move on, happily. Even if I liked the person ALOT –( ladies something you should practice, don’t lose your self worth because of a guy who can’t treat you the way you deserve)
But let me tell you, when you fall in love with yourself it’s almost like the world literally opens its arms to you.
It literally feels like you a born into a new world. I had to practice this discipline of doing conscious acts to remain happy until they become habits.
Because of the power, enlightenment, & happiness, I feel like I truly glow because I realized how much I have learned to love my self, and I took
Like I said I didn’t wake up one day and said I gotta love myself more today. It all came to surface from a place of fear and wanting more for myself and an exciting future. I wanted to stop attracting negativity in my life and stop feeling so weak. I had no choice but to change my behavior and with that I took some serious conscious steps and acts of discipline every single day that have molded me into a much much much better person now.
If you’re ready to make some small progressive changes in your life to be a more accepting of yourself and gain power over your life, I suggest the following tips that have helped me. I suggest you consciously practice them everyday and discipline yourself for about 28 days until it becomes a habit.
Here are some of the steps that helped me open the door to self love:
Are you content being alone by yourself without feelings of anxiety, fear, and judgment?
You may have to go within and seek solace in yourself to be comfortable in your own skin. Practice moments of alone time and be aware of how you treat yourself.
Learn to embrace solitude and allow yourself to be mindful of your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about yourself.
The process of self-discovery can happen doesn’t have to be journaling like i did, it can be through the process of clinical therapy or counseling. This healing process can help you discover who you are and what your obstacles to loving yourself are.
In the alternative, periods of introspection, silent meditations, journaling, and sharing your feelings with supportive friends may help you be more aware of who you are.
The process of loving yourself starts with understanding your true nature.
It took a combination of meditation, writing, and silence to come to terms with my past and my present. Only once I realized I wasn’t loving myself could I attempt to change that.
Be Kind To Yourself.
You may have hurt, emotional pain, and shortcomings. Learn to accept yourself, shortcomings and all, even if your family and previous partners may have berated you about your inadequacies.
We tend to be harsh on ourselves, often because the people who were supposed to love us were unusually cruel and heartless to us. We hear their non-stop chatter in our minds and our beings.
Focus on your many positive qualities. Focus on your strengths, your abilities, and your admirable traits. Let go of harsh judgments, comparisons to others, and self-hatred.
When you can see yourself as the soulful and divinely inspired person you are, the damaging internal dialogue doesn’t hold up.
Forgive yourself for your mistakes
We are not perfect, the fact that you know you were wrong in itself is a lot of maturity and a responsible thing in itself. Forgive yourself, truly be sorry, don’t dwell on it or make it define you. Learn from it and move on.
Practice Looking Presentable Even In Your Home.
Practice gratefulness and regularly count our blessings.
When you’re grateful for the things you have, no matter how small they may be, you will see those things instantly increase
To help you practice here is a formula from Rhonda Brynes to help you count your blessings.
She encourages you to write out the following sentence for 10 items you’re grateful for everyday.
“I am truly blessed to have ____________________________, because __________________(why?)_____________.”
You will immediately start loving yourself more when you realize all the things you’re grateful for in your life.
You can start a gratitude journal to help you start and list things your grateful for everymonring and right before you go to bed.
Life is not meant to be a never-ending to-do list. What makes you feel happy and excited? Do more of that. And before you claim you “don’t have the time,” please realize that there is no such thing as “enough time in the day.” There is, however, a thing called priorities.
Take Care of Your Body
Everything you eat has an influence on your mood and energy levels. If you’re feeling depressed and exhausted, take an honest look at what you are eating. Everyone reacts differently to different foods, but with experimentation you can discover the fuel that results in the best performance.
Spend Some Time Each Day Getting Inspired All Over Again.
In today’s Information Age, you can read an inspiring book, watch a video, or listen to a podcast anytime — all from your smartphone. We have access to inspiration 24/7, and it’s important to set aside time every day — preferably at the start of your day — to utilize it. There are roadblocks on the path to freedom and fulfillment, but certain enlightening content can help you overcome the barriers.
Pay Really Really Close Attention, Matter Fact Be Mindful
When is the last time you really looked at the full moon and shining stars in the pitch black sky? What about the trees in your backyard that are the size of prehistoric dinosaurs? Have you smelled a flower at the park lately ? You are surrounded by beautiful things.
Allow Your Relationship with Yourself To Constantly and Intentionally Evolve.
Learn and Grow
Developing your knowledge and skills will help you develop a healthy swagger and confidence that you can do anything
To everyone in my life right now, thank you for being part of my beautiful journey. You are truly appreciated and to everyone reading this I hope one day you as well find the true love you’ve always dreamed of because it’s inside waiting for you
“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~Rumi